Staying Focused

A little less than a year ago, my husband’s mom moved into an graduated-care facility in Northern Virginia, leaving behind a two-bedroom home filled with thirty-five years of memories and a lifetime of possessions.

Last week my sister-in-law Mary and I traveled to Camden, South Carolina to clean out the place.  Needless to say, it was a big job.

To add to the enormity of the task, my mother-in-law collects nick-knacks the way nylon collects lint. Every room was crammed with tchotchkes and trinkets.

If we’d had unlimited time, perhaps we could have packed without a plan, but we only had three days.  But rather than getting overwhelmed, Mary and I stepped back and asked ourselves: “What categories of items are taking up the most space?” We figured that if we could identify a few areas and divvy them up, we'd make quick, visible progress.

We also decided to reward ourselves each evening with a pitcher of margaritas.

Doing a quick walk-through of the house, we determined that books, linens and clothes were the largest groups of items. I took on the first two; Mary tackled the latter. The knick-knacks were easy to deal with once we’d emptied the house of everything else. (The photo at the top of this posting is of the living room after all the major stuff had been removed. The two smaller photos are of Mary and me in the living room once we'd finished with it.)

As Mary and I boxed and bagged, it occurred to me that our triage technique not only prevented us from getting mired in minutiae but could be replicated to achieve almost any dream or goal.

Margaritas are optional.

Speaking of Spunk...

A huge thank you to L. Diane Wolfe, who just posted an interview with me on her Spunk on a Stick blog. (LDW's tagline: "Promoting and Publishing Tips from a Spunky Author.") I loved her questions! Click here to read.

Now a heads-up. I've said this before, but it bears repeating: Defying gravity requires prioritizing time. You've got to set limits...and be spunky. Right now, with two books in the works (a novel about a late bloomer as well as a male version of Defying Gravity that I'm co-authoring with journalist Larry Portzline), my blog has taken a back seat. I'm not exactly on a blogging hiatus--I want to keep active so that I can post when the mood strikes--but at least for now I'm no longer posting two or three times a week.

No Excuses

In addition to my husband telecommuting from home and my youngest son boomeranging back to the nest, I've been entertaining an endless stream of visitors. Not the best conditions for novel writing.

Fortunately, my agent Paul Fedorko didn't buy into my excuses. "No matter how many guests show up at your door, you've got to show up at the page," he said to me last month. "Write one a day and you'll have 365 by the end of the year."

Following this sage advice, I started to get transported into the story again. (It's a saga about a late bloomer.) Who knows whether I've got what it takes to write fiction. Time will tell. But at least I've regained my momentum. And I can't overemphasize the importance of that.

The Year of Yes

This has been my “year of yes."

I said yes to Africa when my Peace Corps friend invited me (see photo above), yes to Amsterdam when my husband asked , and even yes to speech-giving lessons when a woman I met at a party offered them.

After years of practicing saying no, I’m loving saying yes.

The phrase “the year of yes” comes from a book of the same title by Idaho native and aspiring playwright Maria Dahvana Headley.

Feeling like she’s “dated and then hated every man in Manhattan,” Headley resolves to stop being so picky and say yes to anyone (within reason) who asks her out on a date. No drunks, addicts, violent types, or cheating husbands. Everyone else gets a nod.

Headley’s first date is with her building’s Puerto Rican maintenance man, who shows up to fix her toilet and ends up asking her out.

The second is with a 40-year old classmate who speaks mostly Polish.

These encounters are followed by dates with a gay guy, a career-driven woman, and a 70-year old Latino who claims to have 11 children.

Needless to say, Headley’s year isn’t working out quite as well as she’d hoped. But just when she’s almost given up, she finds herself falling in love with a fellow playwright--and saying “yes” again when he asks her to marry him.

It’s a fairy tale with a down-to-earth message:

There’s such a thing as being too picky, too sure of ourselves, too closed to the magic of life.

It’s all well and good to know what we want and what we don’t, and to be assertive in setting our boundaries. But saying yes when we’re inclined to say no can lead to the unexpected.

And more often than not, that’s precisely the place where dreams come true.

Photo Credit: Sybille Caira (from the website: www.trekearth.com/gallery/Africa/Botswana)

Practicing What I Preach

This week I'm saying no to blogging. (See my previous posting on the "Power of No.") Driving around yesterday, debating whose story to tell next, I thought to myself, I don't want to blog tomorrow. I want to make homemade bread and enjoy all the family, friends and four-legged creatures who have descended on our house for the holidays. (That's my granddog Bingo in the photo above, looking out my kitchen window.)

That said, here's a quick tidbit I read in AARP magazine this month:

"Perhaps the most inspiring piece of the social-intelligence puzzle is neuroplasticity: the discovery that our brains never stop evolving. "Stem cells manufacture 10,000 brain cells every day until you die.... The brain rises to the occasion the more you challenge it." --Daniel Goleman, author of Social Intelligence, quoted in an article by Mark Matousek titled "We're Wired to Connect."

The Power of No

Having trouble dealing with the demands of the holiday season? Here's a column I wrote last September for the National Association of Baby Boomer Women about setting priorities:

The Power of No

As a writer who works from home, setting boundaries is an issue I deal with on a daily basis. I’ve just returned from a month in the Thousand Islands (see photo above) where I’ve been writing a novel, and what I want most right now is to finish my book. But since I’ve been back, I can’t seem to find the time.

When I was on the island, I had no distractions. In Connecticut, the diversions are endless. I’ve only been here two weeks and have already hosted five groups of overnight guests. I haven’t made any progress on my novel since I walked in the door.

I tell you this not because I think you’re interested in my personal life, but as a cautionary tale. Time is easily frittered away. My book will not get written unless I carve out the hours to write. Your dreams will go unrealized unless you commit to pursuing them. That means learning how, and when, to say no.

The fact is, I know how. (I wouldn’t have been able to write my first book if I didn’t.) I just got out of practice. Yesterday, after listening to myself whine to several people, I decided enough was enough. I vowed to spend from eight-thirty to two each day writing at the library until the book is finished—whether I have guests or not. I also began making it clear to my friends that I’m available for socializing, but only in the late afternoon and evening.

And finally, last night I called my relatives and told them that I’m simplifying the holidays this year. I offered to host a big, family Christmas Eve meal followed by present sharing, but that’s it. If they still want a traditional Christmas Day celebration, I said they could host it themselves and I’d be happy to help. It turns out that no one wants it that much. At least so far.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not advocating canceling the holidays. But I am encouraging you to take a critical look at your life and see how you can pare it down. If you have no idea where to start, here are a few quick tips:

GET CLEAR ABOUT YOUR PRIORITIES. If you were to die tomorrow, what would you regret not doing today? Whether it’s following a calling, spending time with your family, or reconciling with a loved one, that’s what you should put at the top of your list.

MAKE A CONTRACT WITH YOURSELF. If you have a goal, commit a certain number of hours each month toward achieving it. If you want to spend more time with your family, make a regular date with them and put it on the calendar. If you want to reconcile with someone, give yourself a deadline--sooner rather than later.

DON’T BE AFRAID TO SAY NO. Once others understand that your “no” is not personal, most will applaud your resolve. More often than not, they also want to do more of what they love and less of what they don’t. By setting your own boundaries, you give them permission to do the same.

NOTE: I did indeed hold the line on Christmas this year. With much assistance from my family--I'm learning to ask for help--I'm hosting a Christmas Eve dinner for 12 followed by a Secret Santa grab-bag affair. (This probably wouldn't work if I still had young children at home.) I haven't been as successful in going to the library every day.