The Guilt Trap

I guilt easily.  Or at least I used to.  Like many women, I reproached myself for not being the mother, daughter, friend, teacher, writer, and coworker I thought I should be.  I’d beat myself up for exercising too little and snacking too much, for being too organized—yup, I’m serious—and not productive enough.  Oh and I even felt guilty about genocide and world hunger, things over which I obviously have no control.

When I say "like many women," what I really mean is most.  A recent survey by Stylist magazine found that more than 96 percent of us feel guilty at least once a day.  As Erica Jong once famously said: “Show me a woman who doesn’t feel guilty and I’ll show you a man.”

Some of this can be attributed to wiring.  According to researchers, women are generally more empathic than men.  But some of this also comes down to women’s generalized lack of self-worth, reinforced over the millennia by cultural and religious tenets.  We’ve been taught from an early age to be “good” and that being good means putting others first.  When we don’t, we quickly feel bad.

Whatever the cause of my guilt, I realized somewhere along the line that I was wasting a lot of precious energy on it, energy that once freed up, could be used in more fruitful ways.  I also realized that if I didn’t value myself, others wouldn’t either.

So how did I get out of the guilt trap?  Believe me, it’s on ongoing process, but basically…

My Inner Wimp

This probably won’t come as a shock to you, dear reader, but I'm quite opinionated--at least on paper.  When it comes to voicing my ideas to an actual flesh-and-blood person, however, my inner wimp occasionally emerges.

Earlier this week, for example, I said to the producer of the TV show I host, “I think we should do more close-ups of our guests.”  Her response was, shall I say, tepid.

I backpedaled.  “No problem,” I replied.  “You’re the expert.”  

“Do you feel strongly about this?” she asked.

“I do,” I answered. 

“Then don’t back down,” she said crisply.  “Stand by your words.”

The Hero Within

In light of recent events in the Persian Gulf and Japan, I want to mention once again how important it is to make a habit of being courageous. 

(I’m saying this as much for myself as I am for anyone else.)

Who, in other words, doesn’t long to speak out against injustice? And if, heaven forbid, a flood rises around our house or a building crashes at our feet, who wouldn’t prefer to be the one who reaches out and lends a hand rather than the one who ignores others’ pleas and saves only herself?

But just as our "bold muscles" need to be exercised in order to attain our dreams, so too do we have to continually practice doing the right thing when the stakes are small if we are to have any chance of doing it when lives are on the line.

Which reminds me of one of my favorite quotes:

If only it were all so simple! If only there were evil people somewhere insidiously committing evil deeds, and it were necessary only to separate them from the rest of us and destroy them. But the line dividing good and evil cuts through the heart of every human being. And who is willing to destroy a piece of his own heart?   ~Alexander Solzhenitsyn

Photo Credit:   Reuters/Aly Song  

Are you sure?

What’s next?

That’s the question I posed at a speech I gave last week to some spouses of top executives at a Fortune 500 corporation.  “What else do you want to experience with whatever time you have left?” I said to the group.  “What more do you have inside to give?”

Reasonable questions for baby boomers to ask themselves, right?  Especially since we’re living longer and longer.

But what if one’s spouse or partner has a vested interest in maintaining the status quo?

Choices

Occasionally, my blog postings are republished on Vibrant Nation, a wonderful website where women 50+ exchange ideas and join in smart conversation. In one such exchange prompted by my Jan. 27th posting (which Vibrant Nation re-titled "What Quote or Poem Inspires You?"), a woman shared the following:

CHOICES
By Nikki Giovanni

if i can't do
what i want to do
then my job is to not
do what i don't want
to do

An Honest Question

I'm off to another funeral this morning. (I can't believe how many people I know have died this year.) As I lie in bed writing this, here's what I wonder:

If I knew for a fact that all my efforts would never be accounted for, that they would neither be debited nor credited in the Great Ledger of Life--that indeed there is no Great Ledger--would I do anything different than I'm doing today?

Realizing Who You Are Not

Photograph by Stephen Savoia (NY Times)

This week's quote is from NY Times Life's Work columnist Lisa Belkin. In an article titled "Palin Talk", Belkin explores how McCain's choice of VP has "put our own work-family choices on the table." The last line in particular is the one that struck me:

There [is] a hunger and a fury in the conversation about Palin that hints at something deeper. . . . Our talking is part of an endless dance in which we move about in order to figure out where we stand. For what else is gossip but a roundabout way to explore social norms? And what landscape is more complicated to navigate than that of modern parenthood, where we often hold many contradictory opinions at once? Want to work but also want to stay home. Hate pacifiers and use them anyway. . . . In the end, I grudgingly admired [Palin's] fortitude and understood that her way was not mine. You often learn who you are by realizing who you are not.

While I'm on the subject of Sarah Palin and, by extension, the upcoming election, let me recommend a website designed to help voters sort out their gut reactions to the candidates from not only the candidates' records but how they claim they'll govern: GlassBooth.org. (Disclosure: My son Ev is a researcher for the site.)

Maurice Sendak's Dream

Photo Credit: Joyce Dopkeen/The New York Times

Maurice Sendak was quoted in The NY Times last week as saying that he still yearns to do something purely for himself that would create in others a passion as great as Blake and Keats did in him. (To read the article--"Concerns That Range Well Beyond Where the Wild Things Are"--click here.)

Sendak, now 80, has garnered many awards for his writing and illustrations. (He won the 1996 National Medal of Arts for his accomplishments.) But while he's grateful for all the honors he's received, he views them as "rubber bullets." They "never penetrated," he said. Awards just aren't "up to the task of answering pressing questions about meaning, soul-touching greatness and durability."

I, too, aspire to be like Sendak's heroes—Mozart, Keats, Blake, Melville and Dickinson—individuals who had the “ability to be private, the ability to be alone, the ability to follow some spiritual course not written down by anybody.”

In our heart of hearts, don't we all?

Rilke's Wisdom

Cartoon by Austin Kleon (see end of posting for details)

Yesterday afternoon I had the sweet luxury of sitting on my porch, re-reading the beginning of Rainer Maria Rilke's Letters to a Young Poet. Rilke was only twenty-seven at the time he penned these letters to a nineteen-year-old military school student who had written him asking for advice about becoming a writer. The following passage particularly resonated with me:

You are looking outside, and that is what you should most avoid right now. No one can advise or help you - no one. There is only one thing you should do. Go into yourself. Find out the reason that commands you to write; see whether it has spread its roots into the very depths of your heart. . . . (Letter One, 2/07/1903)

Sometimes it's important to bounce our ideas off others. (I do this with the women in my Creative Women's Business Group--see my 11/24/06 posting.) The key phrase in the above passage is "right now." When all is said and done, we are the ones who live with our choices.

Note: I came across Austin Kleon's wonderful cartoons when I Googled "Rilke." Kleon's bio describes him as "a writer and cartoonist" whose "Newspaper Blackout Poems have been featured on NPR’s Morning Edition, in Toronto’s National Post, and all over the web." Visit him online at: www.austinkleon.com.

Becoming an Independent Thinker

I was pleased to read a few days ago that both Botswana's president, Seretse Khama Ian Khama, and his foreign minister, Phandu Skelemani, have been taking a principled stand against President Mugabe and the sham election in Zimbabwe. Responding to a reporter's comment about Mugabe's 28-year reign and his desire to hold onto power, Skelemani replied, "What power? Power to run the country into the ground?"

This reminds me of a study I read about a while back (I can't remember where) that explored the differences between people who sacrifice their humanity during episodes of genocide and those who maintain it. The researchers concluded that the people who were most likely to speak out and/or take action, either overtly or subversively, against oppressive regimes were those who had made a lifelong habit of being independent thinkers.

Many of the aspiring late bloomers I've heard from via my website and this blog confess that one of the things that holds them back is worrying about what others think of their choices. It is my belief that only when we cease to care about such things, can we hope to blossom into our unique, beautiful selves.


Note: To read an article from the Botswana Gazette about Skelemani, click here. The photo above is of me sitting at a bus stop in Botswana last year surrounded by other people's luggage. (The blue and brown bags are mine.)

The Wacky and Wonderful Matt Harding

If you're one of the few people who haven't seen Matt Harding dance, here's your opportunity. (The video below has received over 4 million hits.) This guy is great. Wise beyond his years and totally joyful, he hails from my hometown of Westport, CT. But unlike most kids who grow up here, he opted not to go to college, becoming a video game designer instead. Then in his mid-20's, tired of staring at a computer screen all day, he quit his job. Using some cash he'd saved, he took a six-month trip around the world. Everywhere he went, he videotaped himself dancing. Friends started posting his videos on their blogs. The media eventually took notice. Now, five years later, he's getting paid by Stride chewing gum company to travel and dance.

Note:If you love this video, take another few minutes and watch Matt's video of his trip to the African jungle: "Facing My Spider Phobia." (Just go to www.youtube.com and type in "Facing My Spider Phobia" in the search box.)

Talk about walking through fear!